Wanted: Long Term Antagonist

Seasoned main character in search of arch-nemesis for late-night battles and epic story arcs.

Are you at least a mid-level boss with a frayed moral fiber, a sharp sense of wit and an intermediate understanding of the occult/mechanics. Sense of humor a plus, but no comic relief villains please.

You must be able to provide your own minions, but they are not required. Unresolved sexual tension expressed via simmering hatred ok.

If interested, e-mail your resume to plotbunnytiff@hotmail.com

U GOT UR RACHAEL RAY IN MY...wait. JUST GTFO!

Tanya Bricking Leash of the Associated Press did an interview with eight top name chefs recently where she asked them to write an imaginary menu for President Obama's Inaugural dinner.

For a foodie like me it was a joy to read. Obama apparently has a yen for Mexican food (the Head Chef of his favorite restaurant, Topolobampo in Chicago, is rumored to be keeping the week of the inauguration clear in case he is chosen to cook for the historic event), and he is also an advocate for healthy food.

On that end, a few of the chefs made suggestions that cater to healthy living without sacrificing style and taste:

• Charlie Palmer (chef and owner of the Charlie Palmer Steak restaurant) "would include bison steak, which is lighter than beef; a side dish of a nutty risotto; and an exceptional wine, such as a Rochioli pinot noir."
• Charlie Trotter of Chicago would "pay tribute to some of Obama's favorite foods, but also honor some healthy Midwestern dishes, such as white fish and salmon from Lake Superior; as well as root vegetables, kale, collard greens and potato dishes."
• Andrew Zimmern (host of Travel channel's "Bizzare Food") would prepare "roasted baby goat with tortillas and salsa, and sides of braised greens and roasted vegetables. And he would source his ingredients from around the country, a way of raising awareness about native and sustainable foods."

Other chefs would sacrifice calorie counting to elevate the feel of elegance and luxury:

• Eric Ripert (of "Top Chef" fame) would "highlight different regions of the country by offering prawns from Santa Barbara, Calif.; scallop chowder from Nantucket Bay and stuffed quail with Wisconsin cheddar grits."
• Alan Wong of Honolulu would make a nod to Obama's childhood by serving "seafood salad "pupus" (Hawaiian for appetizers),...Maui beef filet with mushroom sauce and mashed potatoes mixed with goat cheese. For dessert, he'd fill shells of Hawaiian chocolate with coconut sorbet.
• Daniel Young, who cooked for the Democratic National Convention, would create "a seafood consomme paired with a pinot grigio, followed by pastry-wrapped organic vegetables laced with black truffles and Bon Champignon Brie served on sweet pepper coulis and paired with crisp sauvignon blanc.That would be followed by chilled Washington state greens with seared hearts of palm, broiled with honey-glazed apples and topped with a tangy balsamic wild berry dressing and a Camembert crostini. His main course would be an herb-crusted grass-fed tenderloin on a bed of hay-stacked potatoes, mini Maryland blue crab cakes and carrot-broccoli mousseline paired with a Napa Valley merlot."
   

As I'm reading all this, drooling a bit and overflowing with joy in my little chefie heart, what do my eyes fall upon?

This atrocity:  "[Rachael Ray] The queen of 30-minute meals says that with the way the economy is hurting, she'd want to keep things casual. She'd start by ditching the traditional formal dinner and serving party food, instead.
'I'd have sliders,' she says. 'What's more American than a hamburger?' Ray would make miniature versions of burgers topped with things like blue cheese and arugula or honey-mustard cream sauce. She'd also make little Chicago-style hot dogs, deviled eggs and all kinds of things you can eat in two bites.
'Casual food makes you smile and puts you at ease,' and that, she says, is what this country needs."

I really don't know where to even begin with this one folks. This is only one of the most important formal events held in our country. Not only that, but this particular inauguration is one that will be noted and studied as one of the greatest and most culturally significant presidential events in HISTORY...

And this chick acts like it's a trumped up bar-be-que. Christ almighty. WHAT KINDA KOOL-AID YOU GONNA SERVE WITH THAT MENU, SWEETHEART JONESTOWN FLAVOR?!