Me: Ok, the first listing in your area is Dr. Imelda-

Caller: Can’t you find me an American doctor? Please?

Me: ::twitch:: …And what do you mean by “American” sir?

Caller: ::slight pause:: Uh. Someone n-not. Somebody who didn’t study, um overseas.

Me: ::shark smile:: Just a moment, please.

Caller: …

Me: ::little Miss Sunshine:: Alright, I have a Dr. Gupta on Belair Rd-

Caller: No. I don’t want-

Me: ::poisoned sugar:: But sir, he graduated from Howard University! ::grin::

Caller:…is there a list I can look at?

Me: Of course. www.carefirst.com. Just click the link on the left that says “Find a Doctor.” Have a nice day. ::click::
Caller: Hi, I’d like to change physicians. I am completely disgusted with the one I have now.

Me: Alright ma’am, may I have your ID number?

Caller: XIC900123852. Now I just switched over to this doctor two months ago, and it took me three days just to get through to the receptionist who was incredibly rude, and then she tells me that the doctor can’t schedule me in until December and that’s just ridiculous.

Me: I’m sorry ma’am. Well if you’d like to make an official complaint-

Caller: I could have a fractured foot, and there is no reason why any doctor should take new patients if they can’t see them until December! If that’s the case they should just stay closed until December and not take any payments!

Me: ::blinks and shakes head:: Again ma’am, I am sorry you had such trouble. Now to make a complaint against a doctor you would contact the Board of Physicians.

Caller: But that’s a lengthy process, and this is a doctor that your company offers to the clients so I want to make the complaint to you, and you should be the ones to fix it!

Me: Ma’am, we do take note of it, however the Board of Physicians would be the ones to take up disciplinary action-

Caller: So what you’re saying you don’t care about your customers who pay you a lot of money in order to see a doctor. You allow these doctors to just do as they please and when I come to you to complain you don’t want to hear it!

Me: No ma’am, what I’m saying is that there are proper channels to make an official complaint, and I’m just trying to help you-

Caller: But why should *I* have to call the Board when this is a doctor listed on your website and it’s your clients that are the ones suffering because the doctor can’t be bothered to see them in a timely manner?!?!

Me: ::massaging temples:: Because while we do take note of the problem, the Board oversees all of the doctors in this state, and your complaint could be valuable in helping potential patients no matter what insurance they have, be it us or, I dunno, Kaiser Permanente. The doctors we list aren’t exclusive to us.

Caller: But I don’t care about those other people, I want-

Me: Ma’am, ma’am, I understand you are upset by the way you were treated by that office, I do, but there is only so much I can do for you right now. One of those things is to set you up with a new doctor who will hopefully be more considerate to your needs, and the other is to get in touch with a supervisor who can take further document of your complaint. ::slow exhale::

Caller: …Oh. Alright. We can do that then. ::pause::  Thank you for being so professional, I know it’s not *your* fault, but I have to complain to somebody and y’know, talking to a supervisor would make me feel better.

Me: ::severe twitch:: Yes. Ma’am. Would you like the number for the Board?

Caller: ::breezy and sweet:: No, I’ll just leave your supervisor a voice mail, that’ll be fine. 
 
Me: Thank you for calling Carefirst, how may I help you?
 
Caller: My group number is-
 
Me: No sir, how can I help you?
 
Caller: You don’t want my group number?
 
Me: No sir, I need to know how I can assist you today.
 
Caller: Why don’t you need my group number, how will you know who I am?!
 
Me: ::slowly:: Sir, I have to know what your problem is first, so that I can open the correct database and assist you. Once I do that, I will ask you for the information I need, ok?
 
Caller: That’s stupid. That’s what I push all those damn buttons for!
 
Me: I do a multitude of tasks sir. But I can’t assist you until you tell me the problem.
 
Caller: Fine, I need a new prescription card.
 
Me: Thank you. May I have you subscriber ID number please?
 
Caller: 9DX1.
 
Me:…Sir, that’s your group number.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Caller: I have a question. Here in the provider book it has “Farsi” under the doctor’s name. Is that his race? What does that mean?
 
Me: I believe it’s a language, ma’am.
 
Caller: You sure?
 
Me: Just a moment. ::google-fu:: Yes ma’am, it’s the language most widely spoken in Iran.
 
Caller: Oh. Oh no, ok I had a problem with the last doctor I had from Iran because…he was so callous to me. He wasn’t sympathetic to the fact that I have anorexia, even though I go to a center! A center!
 
Me:…
 
Caller: I’m trying to get help but he was just, I don’t know, he didn’t like to acknowledge that and it made things uncomfortable.
 
Me: I’m uh…sorry?
 
Caller: It’s not my fault people are starving over there. You would think he’d be more sensitive to that kind of thing.
 
 
Me: ::weary::  May I have your ID number please?
 
Caller: 7064.
 
Me: …uh, no ma’am, I need your membership number.
 
Caller: ::blank pause::
 
Me: Should be on your card, starting with XIC.
 
Caller: Uh, you mean my social security number?
 
Me: ::sighs:: That will work instead, yes ma’am
 
Caller: 123-45-6789
 
Me: Alright, thank you. And your name is Phyllis?
 
Caller: HELL YES! I’M NOT LOST!!!
 
Me: ::jumps and squeaks:: Pardon?!
 
Caller: Last week they said I was lost in the system, told them they better get a GPS and find me! ::laughs:: Hohohoho, yeah I’ll be serious tomorrow eh?
 
Me: ::chuckles:: Might as well...
 
Caller: Isn’t that the truth! You gotta have fun, just a little everyday. It’s like I tell my high school students: “You better get your butts in those seats on time and have all your homework done or else! That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun learning!”
 
Me: :: smile:: You have a very good point ma’am. 

[Sometimes you get the kooky ones that just make you smile]

Me: Hello? Good Morning, can ::screeching static:: Hello?

Caller: Hello?

Me: Yes, I apologize but we're having extreme technical difficulties-

Caller: What? Hello?

Me: Yes, hello? ::static:: Can you hear me?

Caller: You keep cutting in and out!

Me: We're having technical difficulties and are advising all members to call back this afternoon-

Caller: I can hardly hear you. ::static:: Something wrong with your phones?

Me: Yes. We're having technical difficulities, could you please call back this afternoon?

Caller: I just need to find ::loud burst of static::

Me: Hello?

Caller: You there? Hello?

Me: Hello? Please call back this afternoon so I can assist you.

Caller: I ::static::

Me: I'm sorry?

Caller: ::static:: -do this now. I have things to do this afternoon!

Me: I'm sorry but I can hardly-

Caller: ::static:: -call the God damned insurance commission, that's what! Now ::static:: my damned call!

Me: ::click:: Oh dear. Seems we lost our connection. Shame, that.

Me: Good Morning, thank you for calling Carefirst, my name is Tiffany. How may I help you?

Caller: YES! TIFFANY! WAHOO!

Me: ::sweatdrop::

Caller: TIFFANY! Oh please say good morning again!

Me: *clears throat* Good morning, how may I help you today?

Caller: Oh my God. OH MY GOD, a human voice! Tiffany you sweet wonderful person, I am so glad to hear you on the other end of that line. I'VE BEEN PUSHING BUTTONS FOREVER.

Me: I apologize sir, how may-

Caller: I know it's not your fault but the computer, my God, it makes you push all the buttons over and over. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE REAL THING MISS TIFFANY. Gods be praised you are the REAL THING!

Me: ::trying not to laugh:: Sir, I'm glad the sound of my voice made you this happy.

Caller: Oh believe you me, it could make a lot of people happy. But you'd have to switch jobs. ::peal of laughter::

Me: ::almost snerts water::
 
Caller: Why can’t I list my OBGYN as my Primary Care Physician (PCP)?
Me: Because they specialize in women’s health, so we treat them like specialists.
Caller: That’s not fair. I’m a woman, and that’s the only doctor I go to.
Me: Be that as it may, because they specialize in women’s health it would be unfair for us to list them as general doctors. They aren’t.
Caller: That’s ridiculous! Who cares about fair? What’s unfair is that even though he’s my only doctor I have to have some other schmuck on my card! When am I ever going to see this other doctor, huh?
Me: A PCP is the doctor you would see if you suddenly fell ill, or need a referral-
Caller: I don’t get sick, I almost never get sick.
Me: Well ma’am, that’s why you buy insurance, in case one day you *get* sick.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 
Caller: I need to change the name of my child’s pediatrician.
Me: Alright sir, may I have your ID number please?
Caller: No. I put it in the phone already.
Me: Yes sir, but that was just so the phone could send you to the correct department. I need your ID number so I can pull up your file.
Caller: *nervous laugh* Ahaha, don’t be offended by this, you sound like a very pleasant young lady, but I’m not comfortable giving that information over the phone, you never know who could be listening in on the line. Identity theft is a very serious problem, you understand.
Me: …um, sir? The ID number we assign to you only works in our on-site database. I can’t make any changes to your information without that number.
Caller: Can’t you just type my name in or something?
Me: No sir.
Caller: Why?
Me: Security reasons.

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT 

Caller: I need to schedule an appointment.
Me: Alright sir...well your plan was effective June 1, so you can go ahead and do that.
Caller: Wha...how would I go about that?
Me: Scheduling an appointment?
Caller: With a doctor, yeah.
Me: *facepalm* Call the doctor's office and speak with the receptionist.
Caller: Oh. You got a phone number for a doctor in Baltimore?
Me: *headdesk*
 
Me: Alright ma’am, you said you wanted to change the name of your son’s doctor?

Caller: Yeah, and I’m gonna need you to send me some new cards too.

Me: Not a problem. May I have the new doctor’s last name please?

Caller: ::huff:: I don’t know that, Christ, he’s Dr. Calhoun.

Me: …um, then wouldn’t Calhoun be his last name, ma’am?

Caller: I guess so. You’re the big company; you’re supposed to know these things.

Me: ::grinds teeth::
Me: May I have your new doctor's name?

Caller: Dr. Chaudry. 

Me: And the first name? 

Caller: ::huff:: I don't know, she's always been Dr. Chaudry to me. 

Me: Do you have anything with her name on it? Buisness card? Billing statement? 

Caller: No. But she's at 1217 Sonewaigh St. Bealeton, VA 

Me: Ma'am, I don't have a Dr. Chaudry at that address. There are three in the network. 2 are men, and the other is in 
Odenton MD. 

Caller: ::irate:: Well she *has* to be in there and she *has* to be my provider! I called the office! 

Me: Ma'am, the female Dr. Chaudry we have has a MD address. I don't know if this is your doctor; I don't want to put down the wrong Provider ID- 

Caller: ::in a tone like I'm stupid:: Then give *ME* the ID number and I'll call her and ASK if it's right.

Me: Why don't you just ask for her first name ma'am? They might not recognize that number-

Caller: No, I want the Provider ID so I can be sure it's a match, just give me the ID number!!
Dear Carefirst Member:

Please excuse me if I ask you to slow down when speaking. Your accent is very thick and I have trouble understanding you. The porno you have *blaring* in the background does not help.

Sincerely,
Tiffany 
 I asked my manager Robin if I could take off on April 18th. She told me to put the request in with Robert (who is beneath her but in charge of all the temps) and copy her in on the email. I do that.

He sends a reply asking if I cleared this with my temp agency. I write back that I haven't because I didn't know I had to. In the past I've just put the time in with my supervisor and they approve or disapprove, the end. I tell him I will ask them ASAP and let him know what they say.

He writes me back saying no, he's going to ask Robin if I can have the day off, then I can tell Adecco. As I'm reading this latest e-mail of corprafail, Robin leaves her office to go to lunch singing "The Happy Working Song" from Enchanted.

What's that Chopper? Headdesk fixes everything?
Caller: "So if I go to see Dr. Cullen and it turns out he *is* retired, will the system reject my claim right away, or would I get a bill?"

Me: "Sir, it wouldn't matter. If he retired you couldn't see him."
 
Caller: "Even if I make the appointment-"
 
Me: "If he's *retired*, he wouldn't be *working* anymore. You wouldn't be able to do that."

Also, ice cubes+Baked Lays=lunch=FAIL.
 
 
Caller: I got a letter saying that my PCP wasn’t chosen or wasn’t on file…
 
Me: Alright sir, may I have your ID number?
 
Caller: January 24-
 
Me: No sir, your ID number, not your birthday.
 
Caller: Oh. Uh…9025555555
 
Me: Thank you. And may I have the last name of your new doctor?
 
Caller: I don’t have one.
 
Me: You don’t know the name of a doctor you would like to see?
 
Caller: No ma’am. I’m like, not from this area and I don’t know, I haven’t picked one yet. I was hoping you could help with that, finding somebody…
 
Me: Ok, then what you want to do is go to carefirst dot com, and right there on the first page is a link that says “Find A Doctor”. Just fill out a couple questions and it’ll give you a listing of doctors in your area.
 
Caller: …I did that already.
 
Me: Excuse me?
 
Caller: Yeah I did that, and I picked Dr. Montobaum
 
Me: ::grinding teeth:: And that’s the doctor you want to see?
 
Caller: Uh, yeah.
 
Me: Sir, that’s the name I was asking you for at the beginning.
 
Caller: Oh. I guess it is.

Caller: Hi! I wanted to know if electronic stimulation massage machines are covered in my plan?

Me: O_O

******

Meanwhile, Denmark is pissed at Ikea, saying the franchise is teasing their country. 

"[...] many pieces of furniture, like sofas, wardrobes and bookshelves, are named after places in Norway and Sweden. Denmark on the other hand gets stuck with doormats and carpets. Apparently this has caused a recent Danish uproar, blaming IKEA for naming products of lesser value after places in Denmark as a way to spite it."

Pfft. The Dutch. 

 Caller: My husband told me to change my doctor for the girls, he gave me a card...here let's see. ::shuffle shuffle: I'm not sure if I want them to see these people. Their card says D-R-S Chhandra and Dern. What on earth kind of doctor is that?

Me: ................D-R-S is the abbriviated plural form of doctor, ma'am.

Caller: OH! I thought it was a type of doctor, my girls are just babies you know, I didn't wanna take them someplace weird.

*********************
Caller: I can change my doctor with you right? They told me I can't make an appointment until I change it with y'all

Me: Yes sir. Just need you to spell their last name.

Caller: Their name?

Me: ...Yes sir.

Caller: Now wouldn't that be the one thing I forgot back at the house? You sure you need a name? I don't wanna turn around and go back.

Me: Sorry sir. Can't make a change without a name.  


Musn't...punch...customers
 From now until the forseable future there won't be any more Tranmissions. Started my new post today. Am a paperwork jockey. Lots of typing, no internet, no phone. But I'm employed, and there is a chance I may be able to apply for a permanent position in another department soon. Am strangely very tired.
 Me: Alright sir, I'm sorry for the delay. I can make that effective as of December first.

Caller: Well! It is a holiday miracle, someone with a grain of competance over there.

Me: ::rolls eyes:: And may I have your name please sir. ::takes sip of water:: {Freaking asshole...}

Caller: Matthew Lawson.*

Me: ::snorts water up my nose::

Caller: ::dryly:: Geschendhieght.

Me: ::cough:: Please hold.

*[Moral of the story- it's always unsettling when RP characters make apperances in the real world...]

Me: Sir, you can't list any of these doctors as a primary care physician because they only accept HMO plans from Georgetown University students.

Caller: but...well I don't think that's fair, I went to see someone already.

Me: Then they are going to end up balance billing you, because Carefirst won't cover it.

Caller: They didn't tell me that! It was an emergency!

Me: Sir...emergency care is automatically covered by your insurance.

Caller: What's considered "emergency care"?

Me: ::sighs:: Did you go to the emergency room?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Did a doctor from the ER take care of you?

Caller: Uh huh.

Me:...then it's emergency care.

Also!
Good idea: Watching a video while you are stuck eating lunch at your desk.
Bad idea: Watching Robin Williams on Whose Line Is It Anyway while eating working breathing.

Mel-chan...two Tal-centric Scion drabbles down, four to go...just have to jump the Tal+Cissy hurdle...Chibi, Cissy is listed as the next set if you'd like, her words are shy, skull, brash, horror, release, rage, and journey. I swear the word generator came up with these not me, so if you don't like them let me know.

 
Edit: So I didn't get the permanent post. I'm disappointed and a little angry, and for one reason only. They wasted my time. Heather Hahn (the recruiter) called me and said although I'm a prime candidate for the Level 1 CSR position, they want to hire people for Level 2, and I don't have enough call center experience for that yet. She encouraged me to stay with Adecco for at least six more months, and if a Level 1 position comes up to jump on it.

Fine. Great. One question: You saw my resume. You e-mailed me, knowing EXACTLY how much call center experience I have. If you saw that the six months I had didn't cover what you wanted for a higher level position then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BOTHER MAKING ME JUMP THROUGH HOOPS?!?!  I was basically a silver medal candidate, a back up in case of "Oh snaps, we don't have enough people to fill the quota!!!1!!one!1eleven"

::sigh:: At least she made it clear that they REALLY want me to stay put and try again. Here's hoping Adecco and Felix Maple feel the same.
Me: My I have your ID number sir?

Caller: [robot voice] 9. Oh. 7. Oh 23. Oh. 8…2.

Me: Thank you. Alright sir, I have Dr. Walter Chu listed as you PCP.

Caller: Nope, that’s not right. He’s my son’s doctor.

Me: That’s fine, I’ll fix it. Dr. Chu is also listed as your wife’s PCP, is that correct?

Caller: My wife?

Me: Yes sir, your wife Catherine.

Caller: SHE’S AN EX-WIFE, TIFFANY, EX-WIFE!!

Me: !!!!!

Caller: ::laughs:: Aww I’m just kidding with ya. But she shouldn’t be on my plan anymore.

Me: We’ll take care of that for you sir.

Caller: ::creepy voice:: She’s not…using it, is she?

Me: Um…it doesn’t tell me that.

Caller: ::cheery:: Ok! But I want her OFF. ::laughs:: We can put Tiffany there instead.

Me: Thank you...that’s very kind of you sir. While I have you, can I confirm your address please?

Caller: It’s 3403 Euclid Ave.

Me: Mmm, that’s not the address I have here—

Caller: This is the address for my new house; I bought a new house last month!

Me: Oh congrats—

Caller: Because CATHERINE has my old house, Tiffany. ::bitter laughter::

Me: ::sweatdrop:: Oh. Um…could you spell the street name for me sir?

Caller: E-U-C-L-I-D. Funny name isn’t it? Sounds like a flower don’t it?

Me: Or an alien appendage.

Caller: ::laughs:: Yeah! No, it’s named after Joseph Euclid, father of geometry*

Me: Wow. Learn something new everyday.

Caller: You *should* learn something new as often as you can. I’m an old man, and I’m still learning. When you learn new things you should share it, like I’m learning how my wife was sharing herself. ::long peal of laughter::

Me: ::really has no idea how to respond to that::

Caller: ::laughs until he coughs:: I think that’s everything I needed.

Me: Alright sir. I’m going to transfer you to a senior rep to see about getting her removed from your policy. Have a great day.

Caller: You too Tiffany. God bless.
 
*The father of geometry was actually Euclid of Alexandria, a Greek mathematician. I Googled it. ^_^;;
Me: Sir, the doctor you're trying to change to is a pediatrician.

Caller: But her card says Lola Verinzio, MD.

Me: ....Sir, a pediatrian *is* a medical doctor.

Caller: So what's the problem? What do they do?

Me: Pediatricians specialize in children's medicine. They don't see anyone over the age of 18.

Caller: Oh. But. She said she's accepting new patients.

Me: ::cries inside::
.